If I knew that 300 people that I know personally would read this blog, would I have hit “publish” the first time?
Let’s be honest. Most of us don’t like to be found out. The purpose of this blog is to be written, not to be read. I told that to a friend of mine. I just want to say everyday that I wrote something. And that’s what I tell myself daily. Good for you, you actually did what you said you were going to do.
But I do it because I know there aren’t hundreds, let alone thousands of people reading this. I’m not really putting myself outthere. This the the contradiction I walk with almost daily. I want to be known, I say. But I tell no one I write a blog. I post it on Twitter but that’s because I know there’s no engagement there.
I really want to be honest with myself. I am not who I think I am. I am not who I think I want to be. Truth is I want 700,000 page views. That would be awesome. I want to walk into a room and have everyone say hey he’s here. I want to be missed.
I can’t be missed when hiding. I hide often. I default to hiding. I default to quiet. I default to unknown. I want to be the anonymous millionaire. I got the adjective part down.
Here’s the deal. I feel like a fraud and I don’t want to be found out. I’m supposed to be better than I am. I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to anyone, let alone myself.
I have not given myself permission to be better because I say when I am is pretty good considering where I was. I thought I left behind the idea that the other show may drop. I’m still looking over my shoulder to see if someone is going to pull the rug from under me.
If I could do better, shouldn’t I?
I just don’t want many quality life experiences. I want awesome. I want joy. I won’t find it in comfort. I love comfort. I truly do. But I have a decision to make.
But I just can’t try and fail. I have to win. Whatever it is that I want I have to pretty much guarantee it.
So what so what do I want? A map. The thing is I’m the one who makes and must follow the map.
So how bad do I want to go on this journey?