I’ve characterized my life as a leaf on a river. I have not been in charge of where I end up just like a leaf is at the mercy of the water taken to some destination.
Another analogy. I’m not the captain of my ship. This begs the question if it’s your ship, why aren’t you the captain? It’s my life, it has to be my ship. I’m just not steering it. I haven’t even set a direction. Well, that’s not completely true.
I’ve set direction, I’ve even done the steering. But I’m not a good captain. I’ve never been seen as a captain. And the few times I put the captain’s hat on, I’m not trusted that I will do the job. It’s an earned reputation. I don’t scream look at me, I’m the captain, I’m the captain. And because I haven’t been captain for long, I’m not trusted with the responsibility for too long.
I’ve been trying to be honest with myself about myself and where I’m at in life. These self awareness moments are brutal. I just want to ask how did I get here? It was by not being intentional and having a terrible work ethic. The truth hurts. And the truth costs.
Some days I don’t know what to do. I want a nice looking house, but I’m not a handyman. So i have to pay some one to make me a nice house. I can’t pay someone else to build me a good life. I have to do something so others can say there goes a good man with a life I’d like to copy in some ways.
I want to inspire and yet I can’t inspire myself.
When in a hole, stop digging. When walking in the wrong direction, stop. In my case, what do I stop? And where’s the way? Am I lost without a map? Who can teach me to be a good captain?