My dad was unfaithful to his wife. He loved his job more than my mother. I have no recollection of them under the same roof. It has always been my mother, grandmother and I.
Later in life, my mother remarried. He was a musician. He moved into the house the three of us lived. He played in a band and composed music for other bands. He even started his own band. I wonder sometimes if my love of music started there.
He had a piano I’m out house, but he never taught me how to play. I don’t recall much interaction with him, actually. It’s a behavior I don’t want to pass on to my sons.
This marriage didn’t turn out, either. I recall a major fight between my mother and him. Lots of yelling. It got so bad, either I left or was told to go outside. I recall crossing the street and climbing a tree in front of one of friend’s house. Something now tells me I could hear them fighting as I watched from atop the tree.
Their marriage deteriorated to the point of not just divorce but he made her feel so uncomfortable, we left to live with my uncle.
From a young age the men in my life behaved poorly. I know this has impacted me to this day. I don’t want to dwell on that too much. My two fathers hardly interacted with me. I can see how I have done that with my sons. And that needs to change.
Reflecting on my first eight years of life, the living with the effect of two divorces have been a negative in my life. It’s not a big negative. I had a great childhood. My mom and grandmother did the best they could. And it was great. But growing up fatherless has wounded me. It’s ramifications I still live with.
But that doesn’t have to be the case with my sons going forward. I may make things up as I go being a dad since I don’t have any role models, but I will be a father to my children. I can be a father figure to those who are fatherless today. That idea I can dwell all day.