I have trained myself to not get too high or too low. I have lived most of my life expecting the other shoe to drop. I have been looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen. While waiting something bad has happened.
I’ve become invisible. I have checked out from conversations. My wife says I’m not present. How can I not be present? It is disturbing. Actually, it is selfish. The really bad thing that has happened while waiting for the shoe to drop is I’ve become selfish. I am more of a fool than I thought.
I’ve always had a good image of myself since I was basically a good guy. I don’t get into trouble, I am helpful, I am respectful, etc. Now, I may be those things, but I’ve trained myself to detach from humans. The detachment keeps me from getting disappointed and thus the other shoe never drops.
But that’s never the right thing to do. I have deprived myself of a life. Maybe I am supposed to have campfire stories of my foolishness. But, I’ve taught myself to not buck this good guy image that I have of myself. And yet, I have let myself down.
What a sad lesson to learn at this point in life. There’s not much worth in getting down about this. But the awareness is priceless. What if I had gone to the grave with my selfishness? What if my gift to the world never came out?
It will a process to finding my voice. But I welcome and I am thankful for this revelation. I want to make a community. I can’t do that if I don’t make myself known.
But, how do I find my voice?