I don’t have the heart.

I’m convicted again how little curiousity I have for others. I have no idea how to overcome this dilemma. Well, I do know.

I have to be curious about people. There is no pill for this disease. It’s just pure action. I must actually engage another human. I need to have a heart for others where there has been an abyss previously. I don’t recent people, I just like my silence better.

But it has gotten me nowhere. This has been no way to life. There is nothing but death in my quiet. I’m not saying I will now turn into someone who has people at my house as if it is a 24 hour diner. But I have to let go of my completely empty glass of solitude and let it shatter.

I’m broken. Community is my glue. I knew this intellectually. I don’t know this emotionally. I see community like a work of art – made for admiration. But I’m not artist. Or so I say.

I don’t need to be the Picasso of socialliness (not a word, I know). Drawing stick figures would be a major accomplishment. I just want so much, so fast. I need to give myself permission to start small.

Love others. Where do I begin?

I don’t have the heart.

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