I’ve been thinking a lot lately about me not liking people; that I need to commit to community. But I haven’t figured out why I don’t like people. Better yet, why I claim to not like people.
I read something that caught my attention. It spoke to me. It may provide a light to the hampster in the wheel inside my head.
In part it read
“… Fearing people is a dangerous trap …”
One thing caught my attention: Aren’t all traps dangerous? But that’s not what’s causing me to go deeper in my assumption that I don’t like people; that love my silence more than your company.
Do I fear people? Am I operating under a survival mechanism? If I don’t hangout with people, they won’t hurt me? Is that what I’m doing. Am I preventing fear by eliminating a major source of it?
I trust people more than myself. I make “people” better than me. In reality, no one is better than me and I’m not better than anyone else. That’s all good in my head. But that’s missing from my heart. I don’t believe that. But that lack of belief is costing me.
What scar do I have that I can’t seem to locate? Who / what caused the wound? Have I placed my trust in someone to then betray it? So now I don’t trust anyone?
But am I misplacing my trust? People hurt people. People heal people. But trusting people is foolish. I can’t make people my idols. I can’t make their affection my life currency. My riches must come from elsewhere.
I’m not finished with this thought. But it’s a great place to start. Progress.